[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let us know the details and we will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]
Click here to Download this Stress Reducer! Save to your computer and run from there! Use Escape to stop the program. Safe and fun for kids or adults.
| Camp Cariboo | On | Off |
Check out the Cariboo Credo here: http://www.keeners.com/cariboo/
Behold the Power of the SUN of God (religious belief is optional)
TV: Automatic Income Reducer
Myths about COMPUTER power:
1) Power used turning my PC negates any benefits of turning it off
Truth: power surge is vastly smaller than running the device when it is not in use
2) Screen saver saving me energy
Truth: generally do not save energy. In fact, graphics-intensive screen savers
can cause the computer to burn twice as much engery - and inhibit entering sleep mode
3) Turning off my pc will reduce performance and useful life
Truth: modern pcs can handle 40,000 on/off cycles. In normal life spam (5-7 years),
that would require on/off cycle every 5 minutes!
Joke: What if selling a car meant going more than the distance?
Your question was: If you turn off a surge protector, is the computer still connected to the wall? [Thus causing concerns from brown outs, surges, lightening strikes] Answer: yes. If still connected to the wall, does a surge protector “do anything”? Answer: of course not. A surge protector is only good for spikes. A spike means small up or down surges of power. A brownout is the same as turning the computer off. If it turns off, and the electricity is turned back on, the surge is similar to turning on a computer, which, since the hard drive is still spinning down, will burn out the hard drive. A ‘universal power supply’ (ups), in the majority of cases, will protect a computer from everything up to lightening strikes. And depending on the strike, usually the computer is still protected. Further to the original question: If the bolt goes thru the house, you can still fry a computer. However, since everyone will be dead, it seems like a moot point.
Things COPS might say while arresting someone:
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
I saw this in PC Solutions - it was meant to be serious: "You know you need a computer technician when: You see sparks. You see or smell smoke. The power supply fan stops working. You encounter a persistent Blue Screen Of Death. You drop your computer and now it doesn't work. Your password under Windows 2000 or XP stops working. Your drives are eating your cd-rom or floppy. Windows prompts you to install a device driver every time you boot up, then fails to locate the proper driver. You can't get into safe mode. Critically important data appears lost."
Submitted by me and reprinted here: Central Florida Computing Society November 14, 2004 The temptation to upgrade from Windows 98 to Windows XP - what's stopping you? One big reason to switch from 98 to XP is ClearType text display, which is dramatically easier on the eyes. Microsoft claims the minimum requirement to upgrade to XP is a Pentium II and 300 mhz, as well as 128 megs of ram. But if you're looking for performance at least as good as 98, you'll need at least 700 mhz, and 256 megs. This assumes all the drivers and cards are compatible with XP - so first hit Windows XP Advisor. If your computer is older than 2000, check with the manufacturer if the BIOS is compatible. Upgrading the BIOS is not for the faint of heart. Remember to back up to CD all your documents, spreadsheets, pictures, emails, internet settings, and applications (ie Act! or Quickbooks). Become a computer technician: What do you think it would take to make you feel comfortable working with the hardware inside your computer? Where do you start? Here is a very short primer. First off, write down the manufacturer's name and model number. It should be on the outside of your tower/cpu/black box. If the manufacturer has a "service tag", write it down too, as well as the Windows version and product key. Now log on to the manufacturer's web site and search for your computer. You should be able to find everything from upgrades to tutorials on how to remove a hard drive! Also write down the 800 help desk number. Even if your computer is 10 years out of warranty, phone support will go out of their way to help "one of their own." But why go inside a computer? It's easier and cheaper if you replace it yourself. Changing Modems, Ethernet cards, swapping out a CD reader or adding a CD writer, adding more memory now that its cheap, adding a second hard drive - these are all good reasons to become a techie. You will need two screwdrivers, a flat head and Phillips (make sure they are not magnetic!), a good light source and a grounding strap. Did you read this and say "No way it's that simple!" - Guess what, it really is! All you need to do if figure out how to open that darn computer case!
That's When The Fight Started One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ********************************************************************** My wife walked into the den &asked "What's on the TV?" I replied "Dust." And that's how the fight started..... ********************************************************************** A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And that's how the fight started..... ********************************************************************** My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a scale. And that's how the fight started..... ********************************************************************** I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started.... *********************************************************************** My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started.... *********************************************************************** I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started..... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started..... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Let's start with:
THINGS CUSTOMERS HAVE TAUGHT ME
Reminder: This is the JOKES PAGE - take what you can: LAUGH and LEARN
10) Computers can magically heal themselves.
- By the time I've taken the call, set up the appointment,
driven to the house - the problem is fixed.
- Same as when you take your car to the auto repair shop!
[There will now be a charge for missed appointments]
- Just reboot the computer, the problem will go away!
9) Disk drives never fail. Hardware problems - not MY computer!
- Sure, computers can run incident free for years.
But when they fail, usually all personal data is lost
- Enemies: Dust, Dirt, Lightning, Power Failures/Bursts, Children
- Please, no tears - my degree is Computer Science not Psychiatry
8) Backups always work.
- Customers never make backups
- or: Last backup was months or years ago
- Backups are not readable (test to see if it worked!)
7) "Pardon the mess"
- Coke spilled on keyboards or into the computer
- Food particles on keyboards
- Dogs/Cats/Kids.
- Computer fans covered in dirt
6) Blame the Computer Guy
- "This never worked since you left"
[I've heard this one up to FIVE years afterwards!]
- My game (etc) worked before you were here.
- The computer booted up faster before you removed the viruses.
[ 1 - but you said on the phone it did not boot up at all?
2 - OK: Let's try putting the viruses back on the computer...]
- Real example (in case you don't believe me!)
Sent: Monday, November 10, 2008
To: Computer Virus Removal
Subject: Dvd Drive
This is the first time I have put a disk in a drive to download a program and
the disk is not reading anything. It used to be if I put a disk in the computer
it would come up to load a program. Now it is not doing anything.
Editors Note: Date of service: May 24, 2008
Editors Note 2: To reinstall an operating system and all the other programs,
the cd drive is used extensively.
5) I need this computer to work NOW because...
- The computer may not have been working for days or weeks,
but it must work NOW (tax season, ebay purchase, emails, etc)
- Of course, computers only fail when you need them
4) Customers never lie! (Nor do computers...)
- They never go to porn sites
- They never open unknown emails
- "The computer has been on for 2 days,
no one has been near it - how did this happen?"
- "I was just deleting files to make room"
[Try not to delete files in C:\windows or C:\program files]
- My brother, sister, kid next store messed up my computer
[I am proud of my poker face when I hear this one!]
3) Connect wires / no internet
- if the printer does not work - look to see if it is plugged in?
- if you can't go online - is the modem/router is on? plugged in?
Did you phone the Internet company? (it is a FREE call!)
2) File sharing is safe
- Downloading files is illegal
- Anything you download from the internet can't be trusted
- Sharing one on one then with hundreds of computers at the same time
- Videos asking for keys or downloads almost always have viruses
1) Why Scan for Viruses?
Do you even HAVE an anti-virus program on your computer?
Have you kept your anti-virus software up to date?
- "But it came with the computer"
[True, but that is the SOFTWARE, the anti-virus definitions have
to be updated daily - and you have to pay for yearly renewals!]
0) Solutions are always free
- "My (brother, neighbour, friend, kid across the street) always
fixes my computer, but he is (sick, moved, not taking responsibility)"
- Which is why I get calls "my data was deleted, can you retrieve it?"
- My programs are missing. I can't find my (software) disks
Winning entry:
- "I don't have a password" (said with a straight face!)
- Don't remember. Never used. It's the wife's computer.
- Hint: Call you internet company BEFORE I show up - reset it if necessary
************************************************************************
Subject: FW: monkey business (Stock Market bottomed out October 2008)
Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to
the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10
and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching
monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people
started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and
the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find
a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since
he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy
on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at
all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.
I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the
city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how Wall Street works.
Gemmy - Fortune Teller Spirit Ball - if audible: about MONEY
Gemmy - Fortune Teller Spirit Ball - if audible: about Open Minded
Gemmy - Fortune Teller Spirit Ball - if audible: about Decisions
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
THOUGHTS FOR A SLOW WEEK:-Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
-Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
-If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
-Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
-A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, and Always Close To Your Heart!
PONDERISMS:
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
Silicon Heaven (Paraphrased by Jerrold Schiff)
Ever wonder if Computers were like People, would there be a Silicon Heaven when they die? That’s a theological stretch! Or is it? There are five main components to a computer, each can be compared to the human body, and each could fail catastrophically. RAM or random access memory – is like short term memory – or words on the tip of the tongue. The Hard Drive – is more like long term memory – where you store pictures, documents and emails. The CPU chip is like the brain and does all the thinking. The Power Supply is like the blood of the body – without it, there is no movement, no thought. And the Motherboard – is the body – which ties everything together and keeps communication strong. What attacks a computer? Electrical storms, old age, and viruses from outside sources like the internet. Some parts – whether in us or in a computer, are replaceable. And viruses, like bad thoughts or deeds, can be stopped or “fixed”. So, is there a Silicon Heaven? Maybe only if your computer is very very good!
Topic: What every techie THINKS - but most know better than to SAY...
Worse thoughts and videos can be found tracing this link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Dead_Trolls_in_a_Baggie
(Today, their web site is down. But when the web link works, you'll understand the reference "The HOLD button is your friend")
Steve The Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Steve the computer guy, to come over. Steve clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?" Steve grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T. I used to like Steve.............
PEBCAC
Problem Exists Between Computer And Chair
12 o'clock flasher
Definition came from the days of VCR's. The VCR would flash 12:00 until the time is set. The "flasher" part refers to the person who can't comprehend the menu / manual for setting the time!
Speaking of manuals?
Had a university professor who was so annoyed at one student's incessant questions, that he went to the board and wrote RTFM against four white boards. Moments later, when the student asked "What is RTFM". As the silence of the room descended, the prof responded "Read the Freaking Manual". Strangely, the student was quiet for the rest of the semester!
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!